What the Fuck Have I Been Doing?

It's a very valid question seeing as I've taken friggen forever to post here, seeing as I find time time to post other places. Well shit happens, people get busy, and sometimes people are just away from computers, like earlier this month when I was back in Sacto and met up with my man Scott post-family obligations.

But that's neither here nor there unless you count shameless plugs as somewhere; I want to talk about music, specifically live music. This past weekend I was lucky enough to get a pass to the Capitol Hill Block Party in Seattle. One of the city's best music festival which may or may not be approaching critical mass if the lack of comfortable space this year is any indication. But really it could be because of the acts in this years line-up. The Pains of Being Pure at Heart, The Thermals, Built To Spill, The Gossip and, most notably, Sonic Youth.

That's right I got to see Sonic Youth play. For free. and It would've been a dream come true if it weren't for certain people, mainly assholes. These people really impacted mine and many others concert experience. To put it mildly, you fuckers made it less great than it should've been. So here are the dicks that ruined a perfectly good moment of my life. Don't be these people.*

The Asshole Who Has To Get Closer After Everyone Else Has Settled Into Their Spot:
I don't mean the people who try to get closer after you've found your spot in the crowd or even the ones who slither through during sound check. No, I'm talking about the people who shove past you after everyone else is without elbow room and then decide to stand right in front of you where you can feel their body heat and you're left wondering if this is the type of person who would screw at a public (frat) party because they seem wholly unconcerned with your crotch very clearly grinding on their body anytime anyone moves.

The Lady With Sunhat, After It Gets Dark:
It's twilight, and I know you've been out here for all day at an outdoor festival and it's been warm. I agree you shouldn't let your shoulders get so red they peel, but now you can take off the hat. Seriously it's blocking my view, they guy next to me's view, his "not a date's" view, the people behind us, and anyone shorter than you within line of sight. Messenger bags are trendy now, buy one for your hat.

The Dude Taller Than Me Who Has To Stand Right In Front Of Me:
I'm shorter than you dick, you don't need to be this close to see everything. You're part of the reason I moved closer anyway, thus putting my ability to hear in the future at stake.

The Drunk and High People Who Keep Moving Through The Crowd:
There is seriously nothing and no one so important you have to leave and go back to where you were standing four goddamn times. FOUR GODDAMN TIMES. You aren't using the bathroom, you aren't getting food. Did you decide to mainline heroin during that first trip away from the stage? Stop following the shiny things everywhere, there's more if you just pay attention to what's in front of you, that's what everybody else here is doing. Be a lemming, follow the crowd.

and finally,

Those Asshole Who Feel They Have To Mosh and/or Slam Dance At Every Halfway Loud Song:
Fuck off you brainless waste of space, flesh, and genitalia. I seriously hope you never reproduce, because obviously your critical thinking skills have been negated by all the jumping around you do to relieve "aggression" and "emotions". Here's a few rules for everyone out there to follow if you cannot figure out whether or nor to fail your body about in crowd during a band's set.
1. If the band's first few albums are more like free jazz or jazz fusion you aren't allowed to slam dance no matter how loud the next few albums are.
2. If the band in question has released more than six or contemplative songs in the span of two albums, under no question do you mosh, you can pogo though.
3. If at the beginning of the band's set there isn't a mosh pit, don't start one. Bands who have regular mosh crowd always seem to have their pit form before the act starts playing, not after.
4. The band's most recent albums have no moshable songs.
5. You have to mosh to get to other moshers.
6. The band is as old or older than your parents... And you've stopped living with them a few years prior.
7. If more than one person gets crowd surfed to security for being a dick, you're probably next.
And lastly, 8. If it looks like I'm about to commit a horrible range of violence upon your entire being, I am, because your forearm just hit me for the final time.

People, please, Don't be this person.



*With apologies to Lindy West for totally biting her style.